Are You A Chronic Complainer Behaviour Expert Warns Constantly Fixating On Problems Can Make You Feel Stuck

While it's natural to vent when things go wrong, constantly replaying everything that's unfair or out of your control can quietly turn into a habit – one that fuels self-pity, drains your energy and keeps you stuck in the very situation you're trying to escape. The good news? A small shift in perspective can make all the difference, helping you move from helplessness to action.

Dr Shadé Zahrai, a behavioural researcher and confidence expert, explains how constantly complaining about things beyond your control can subtly reshape your mindset, affecting your psychology and making it harder to move forward constructively. In a May 11 interview with Mel Robbins, the behaviour expert highlights, “When you focus on what you can’t control, you reinforce helplessness, drain your energy, and make the situation feel even worse.”

According to Dr Zahrai, constantly complaining about things beyond your control may be doing more harm than you realise. While venting can feel cathartic in the moment, repeatedly dwelling on the same frustrations can reinforce a negative mindset, making it harder to move forward and leaving you feeling stuck in the situation.

According to the behavioural expert, the first step is simply becoming aware that you're caught in this pattern – a task that can be more difficult than it sounds. Once you've recognised it, she recommends four practical strategies to help you break the cycle and respond more constructively.

She explains, “The moment you find yourself complaining, the first step is to become aware of it, which is sometimes the hard part. The next step is to ask yourself, okay, well, I essentially have a few options here. I can accept the situation as it is. I can change the situation. I can leave the situation. Or, I can change how I see the situation. They're the only four options I have. So, you pick one and then acknowledge that if I keep complaining about this, I'm only going to feel worse. It is not going to help me.”

Dr Zahrai points out that people who complain frequently often rely on “should” statements, such as “I should have done that” or “I should do that.” According to her, this language reflects something deeper than simple frustration. It signals a psychological response known as reactance – an internal sense of resistance that arises when we feel our autonomy or sense of control is being threatened, prompting us to push back. Research suggests that this also limits divergent thinking – the ability to think creatively, explore different perspectives and generate multiple solutions – making it harder to see new possibilities or solve problems effectively.

Speaking of a way to tackle this, the behaviour expert advises, “Move from ‘should’ to ‘could’. Okay. What ‘could’ I do right now? You're not committing to anything. It's really low stakes. And again, I encourage people to grab a sheet of paper, divide it into two. On the left, you write down your ‘I could’ list. All the things that you could do in the moment. Then you move into your ‘I will’ list. Pick one, two, or three things that you've identified and actually do them. Actually take the step. This is how you increase your autonomy. You bring your locus of control back inwards. And it's so incredibly simple. And it gets you out of the complaining spiral because sometimes all you need in that moment is to feel powerful and to do something.”

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. It is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.

Eshana Saha is a fresh face in lifestyle and cultural journalism, bringing a refined, multidisciplinary perspective to the intersection of entertainment, fashion and holistic wellbeing. With less than a year of professional experience, she has quickly adapted to high-pressure editorial environments and currently works full-time with HT Media. Prior to this, she interned for nearly six months with Hindustan Times’ entertainment and lifestyle vertical, where she gained hands-on experience in digital reporting, trend analysis and editorial storytelling. Based in New Delhi, Eshana specialises in comprehensive coverage of major cultural moments — from international film press tours to the curated aesthetics of global fashion showcases, award shows and music-centred events. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in English from St Xavier’s University, Kolkata, and a Master’s degree in English from the University of Delhi, equipping her with a strong academic foundation and a keen ability to deconstruct complex cultural trends into clear, high-impact narratives. Beyond the red carpet, Eshana has developed a growing focus on health and wellbeing reporting. She bridges the gap between celebrity-driven trends and practical, evidence-informed lifestyle advice, ensuring her work remains both aspirational and grounded in editorial rigour. She has extensively covered the health implications of Delhi’s air pollution crisis, while also playing a key role in amplifying expert-led insights on women’s health and mental wellbeing, helping translate complex medical perspectives into informed, impactful public awareness. An artist at heart, she explores multiple creative forms — from visual arts and music to culinary experiments — and brings a creative’s eye for nuance, texture and detail to every story. Whether analysing runway dynamics or examining emerging wellness movements, she remains committed to accuracy and the highest standards of contemporary journalistic ethics.Read More