If you replay conversations that you have had over and over in your head, you are not alone. It is a habit that many have picked up, often involuntarily, and one that often leads to regrets.
There are many stages of replaying an interaction with another person in our heads, even hours after it has taken place. One can think things like, "Why did I say that?" or "What is wrong with me?"
As the therapist stated, “You replay their facial expression. You analyse their tone. You wonder whether you embarrassed yourself or whether they now see you differently. The more you think about it, the more anxious you become.”
This can lead to the interaction starting to feel much worse than it actually felt in the moment. According to Jeffrey, the replaying of conversations often happens because the brain wants certainty. “It wants to know exactly what the other person thought about you. It wants confirmation that you did not say the wrong thing or leave a bad impression,” he noted.
However, it is not possible for a person to fully know what is happening inside another person's mind. One cannot know whether the person they spoke with is still thinking about the conversation, how they interpreted it, or whether they even noticed the thing that the person is worried about.
“Your brain does not like leaving that question unanswered because the brain is designed to solve problems. It keeps returning to the conversation as though thinking about it one more time will finally give you closure,” shared Jeffrey.
But there's no answer the brain can produce that will feel completely certain. So one replays it again and again, and every time they review the conversation, the brain learns that this interaction must be important or dangerous.
According to Jeffrey, one can try to get out of this habit, but that involves having a conversation with oneself.
“Instead of trying to force certainty, practice accepting that you may never fully know what the other person thought,” stated the therapist. “You can tell yourself, maybe they thought something negative about me, maybe they didn't. I cannot know for sure, and I do not need to figure it out.”
“You may need to repeat that several times because acceptance usually does not happen the first time you say it. Your brain has to repeatedly experience uncertainty without trying to solve it. Over time, your brain can learn that an unanswered social question is uncomfortable, but it is not dangerous,” he added.
It is when the brain stops searching for an answer that does not exist that it becomes much easier to let the conversation go.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
Jeffrey Meltzer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor based in Florida. He graduated with a Master's in Mental Health Counselling from the University of South Florida and has been providing therapy services for over seven years.
Debapriya Bhattacharya is a Content Producer at Hindustan Times. He started his career in 2022, working in newsrooms in beats like education, US news, trending stories, and entertainment. In his new role in the lifestyle desk, he seeks to deliver a balanced blend of research-driven reporting and creative storytelling from health and recipes to art and culture. Science, philosophy, food and pop culture are what pump his veins and help bring heart to his stories. Debapriya tries to see out subjects that will allow him and readers to explore new frontiers and improve the quality of life for all. The explorations can be both external and internal, as thoughts seek to be as chaotic as the greater universe. As a citizen of the world, Debapriya has been fascinated by the lives of people across the globe throughout time. His curiosity leads him to explore new linguistic and cultural landscapes to broaden his horizons and deepen his understanding of global narratives. Beyond the newsroom, Debapriya loves to participate in debate and theatre, spaces that he considers to be holy grounds for nuance and self-expression. A graduate from Ashutosh College, University of Calcutta, Debapriya completed his Master's degree from the same university in 2022. An ambiverted bibliophile, he loves his solitude as much as he adores stimulating conversations. And despite his reverence for tech, libraries continue to be his favourite place for research.Read More
