Is There A Good Way To Say I Think Your Partner May Be Cheating On You

We don’t think it will happen to us, because our friends are decent people, right?

When it does happen, it can feel like there are no right answers: Does one tell a friend their partner is likely cheating on them? Does one talk to the cheating spouse first? What is a good way to break such news?

I’ve had people approach me with clear-headed answers to all of the above, but new questions now plague them: What if the person already knows, and telling them will only make a bad situation worse? What if I break my friend’s heart and upend their life, and they end up wishing I’d never told them?

A young woman I am counselling, let’s call her Tahira, is currently being haunted by such questions. The 28-year-old lawyer saw her friend’s long-time boyfriend active on a dating app. The good news, she says, is that this doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating. The bad news is, it makes the conundrum of whether to tell or not that much harder to solve.

In our last session, we put down a list of pros and cons. Tahira already feels like she is betraying her friend by keeping this from her. But, she adds, shouldn’t she wait until she knows he’s actually using the app? What if he turned to it for an entirely different reason; or in the midst of a fight? Couldn’t telling on him simply make things worse, at a time when the couple might be trying to sort things out?

My advice in such cases tends to be straightforward: There is no reason to not state, in plain terms, what one has observed. If the person already knows, there is no harm done. Perhaps they’ll explain, with a laugh: We decided, as a joke, to see if anyone was still swiping right on him; that’s all. Maybe they’ll be angry or annoyed: Why are you snooping on my boyfriend? Either way, a friend will see the love and loyalty behind the difficult conversation.

If it turns out they had no idea, are heartbroken, and wish they had never been told… it is still better to tell them. People in love, or desperate to hold on to what they have, may turn a blind eye, ignore red flags and tell themselves nothing is seriously wrong with their relationship. Part of the role of friends and family is to step in and say: This is what I see; it feels wrong; and I’m here for you.

Those are powerful words. They can shake a person out of their stupor, and I have seen first-hand the good they can do.

There are grey areas to contend with, when it comes to infidelity, of course. Do I really have enough evidence to do this? What if I’m wrong?

I have a litmus test for these: If I saw my partner engage in the same behaviour, would I consider it reasonable proof that they were straying? Again, the path I would advise is one of honesty.

Once you have decided to take this step, take a day or two to figure out what to say. It isn’t going to be easy. Prepare to be targeted. Go in knowing your friend will say terrible things they don’t mean. Try not to engage. Try to stick to the script.

It helps to start with a quick promise: I am here for you, no matter what happens next.

Add a disclaimer: You aren’t going to like what I have to say, but I believe you deserve to know.

If you have a history of not liking their partner, clarify that this has nothing to do with that history.

Keep the rest short. State the case, present the evidence, hear them out. Amid it all, if there are accusations and anger, it can help to respond with a simple disclaimer: I am only doing what I would want you to do if you were in my place.

A final tip: Once you have shared what you know, back out of the situation. Perhaps you will spend years alongside the couple at parties. Perhaps nothing will change. It isn’t your business. Avoid raising the issue a second time. Ask if your friend needs help, but offer no advice unless it is solicited. The plan was to make sure they knew what you knew. It wasn’t to meddle, or judge.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in. The views expressed are personal)